Baby ☆ oscar james ... lilly rose ☆ Hughes

☆ Our Little Star ☆ RIP Baby ☆


11th June 2009 i knew i was late for my period, only a few days but i just knew. I did a pregnacy test. I shouted my cuzon to come and see i knew i was right and that my readings from this test were possitive i just wanted someone else to see. Half hour later i did another.. 2 possitive tests in my hand i cryed, i shook, i was shocked but deep down i was so happy :-) My partner stuart was at work i didnt no weather to ring him, tx him or just leave it till he was home. At the point my sister in law karen knew, my brother graham and cuzon gemma. They were all exicted a me. I sent a tx to stuart "im pregnant" he replied "really :) ??" he rang me i just cryed but these were happy tears.

I was so scared to tell my parents, i knew theyd be happy but as i knocked my nans door to tell my mom she she looked at me in discust and shock! She started shouting and going mad at me. I broke into tears and said "stop shouting" i went into my nans house half the family then knew. Mum walked down the road back home with me so we could tell my father. My father was calm, happy and gave me the congrates.

I was so excited, me a mommy its the best thing in the world. Me and stuart were due a hoilday was dead excited. My 1st time away with anyone and extra special because there were actually 3 of us now. We went away only to Presthaven North Wales, we ad a really good time, went swimming, entertainment nights and had our own space for a full week. Evereything just felt so right.

9th July 2009 we went to midwife for our 1st appointment, was scared but excited, was given our green book, pregnancy book and we left with a date for our scan 27th July :-)

11th July 2009 we had a home visit to finish rest of paper work and the follwing monday we went for my 1st blood test, god i was so scared i hate needles :-( but i knew now that any needle i had was for the baby so i wasnt botherd.

The weeks started going faster and i couldnt believe i was actually going to be a mummy. Id been with family members for there scans but it being my own was extra special. My partner stuart was so excited he had experience some upset in a past relationship but this was our time now nothing else matterd. He was with me, i was having his baby.

27th July 2009 11.20am 1st scan :) i was 11 weeks 2 days i felt amazing & my boyfriends stuarts face could never be described. My baby was wriggerling, arms and legs everywhere and its little heart beat so fast god i carnt decribe in words how i felt. A little life inside me, my baby, our baby. We had 2 photo's i couldnt stop looking all the way home, it then took pride place on my shelf in my bedroom so everytime we looked up there our little baby was.

We contiuned visiting midwife more needles, more wee samples etc. 15th week i went to have my bloods done for the downs test and spina bifida. We listened to our babys heart beat. My boyfiend giggled and said it sounds like the motorway. It was wonderful. Everything sounded fine. I felt fine, everything was perfect. What more really could i possible want or need, i had a wonderful boyfriend and a baby on the way.

Around 12 weeks flutters began i used to just giggle my boyfriend would laugh at me. Around 15 weeks there were slight little thuds from inside but my partner never experienced this as it was all still so tiny. I was so excited of becoming a mommy we began to get little things, baby grows, sock, blankets. My mom used to go always get a few little things whilst shopping it all added up. Before i knew it i didnt need anymore baby grows we had aged 0-3, 3-6 and tiny baby. They were all so small, so cute. We collected and buyed things every week. I decorated my babys nursey at around 19 weeks little pictures, wordrobe, little bears, its beautiful. Only now its empty and isnt expecting a baby to be in there.

My niece jessica 9 years old and my mother came with us. I lay on the bed as they put the cold gel on my tummy my partner holding my hand. The lady placed the thing on my tummy just under my belly button, there was nothing there at this point i knew something was wrong she then lowerd down towards the top of my pubic bone they my baby was, i was waiting for it to wriggle, i could see its spine and bum in the air... nothing.. nothing moved, nothing wriggled, my heart sank, i was telling myself inside "go on move for mommy, wriggle." The lady said "lisa have you had and pain or bleeding" "no i replied" "im so sorry i need to go and get my partner" she said... another lady approached the room at this point my niece and mother left. I just knew my baby was dead! Nothing i could do to make it move, make its heartbeat my heart just sank and i cried and cried.

As i write this tears fall down my face, my life as just been crushed all my a little machine that see's your baby. "why??" "why me??" ive never hurt anyone, i dont drink, i dont smoke, i never even went out the house only to shops etc, i just didnt understand.

Id been with my partner stuart 1 year and 2weeks. He broke his heart, he cried and cryed i cuddle him so hard. Doctors and nurses kept coming into the room talking this, talking that but i didnt take a thing in what they were saying i was in shock, i was numb. It takes 1 tiny second for your life to come crumberling down. This was ours.

My mom walked into the room i looked at her and just cried my heart out, she asked what was wrong and i had to tell her and my 9 year old niece jessica that my baby was dead. My moms face i carnt describe but jesus i would never wish this on anyone. I cuddle my nicec so hard, i felt guilty that she'd seen was she did but ino now thats it wasnt something i could of known i didnt no.

I ended up coming home with my baby dead inside me, i had a tablet which would take 36hours to work and i was to attend the hospital the following wednesday :-( my baby had died between 15-20 weeks dont no why dont no anything. My baby messure 14 weeks.

Before we left to come home we was asked if we wanted a postmortom doing we sed yes.

NOTHING as been done.

My midwife didnt know until 5 weeks later. After the receptionists at my gp's informed her. Shes not happy about this and has asked alot of questions too.

I have had no councelling, no help or support no nothing.

Im discusted in the way i have been treated and im not a happy mommy at all. Youd think after the things us women go through that some people would have more respect and support. They have nothing.

On 30 september 2009 i gave birth to my baby at around 12.25pm. Little pain, little discomfort but nowhere near the heartache i felt and my partner. I had trouble passing my placenta as it was stuck to the front on my wall. 3 hours later it was removed manually which was vey painful, i cried and cried. I lost alot of blood, i was weak and i was kept i hospital, they were debating on doing a blood tranfushion but my iron and blood level had gone back up a little enough for them to let me to come home.

Visits off the family and few friends, so many flowers, cards, emotion but all i wanted was my baby back and stil now i do.

I can never thank my sister enough for everything she did and does for me now. In a way it was like she was actually going thorugh what i was. She held my had, she cried my tears and nothing in the world could thank her enough for everything she has done but deep down she surly knows. She, my mother and stuart shared a experience with me they or myself would never dream of. Me giving birth to my baby, dead, layings still, me not having nothing in the end of it all. I was asked if i wanted to see my child we all were, we said yes but when the nurse left my room stuart then told me he couldnt so we decided not to. I regret it now knowing that was my baby and i never saw it but in a way im happy that the time spent with it and seeing it the 1st time round they were my happy momments ill never forget.

My tummy still grew, my flutters, my stretch marks yet my baby wasnt alive. I hope one day ill get a answer to why or how but at the momment i live with not knowing nothing. I have a special little angel that ino is being taking care of by all the other special people in heaven and ino it will never be alone, not a day doesnt go by where i dont think about it, me and daddy hughes light a candel each night and have mommy and daddy time. I have a little bear which i cuddle, my babys first bear my mom brought. Sometimes its all you do have to cuddle. My baby now as its own grave which me and my partner visit often as we can but at-least twice a week. Our special little place, tads special little home.

If i could ave one wish it wud be to have my baby bk. i really feel for all you other mothers too, loosing a baby isnt like loosing a pound or something, its loosing a life you made which youll never get bk no matter how hard u try. I tryed and i failed just like yourselves but nothing in the world will change the fact that im now a mommy and stuarts a daddy.

Im scared to try again, im petreifide infact but i carnt let it put me off. Its made us stronger and maybe thats our reason. everything happens for a reason just at the momment i dont no what ours is.

My love and support goes out to everyone whos lost someone in there lives, may there lives live on forever and always.

All my love lisa xxxxx